The Ravings of a Drug Dealer and Addict: Part 8

I’ve had this little voice in the back of my head for a while now. It tells me I need a fix, I need to get high and forget about everything again. The funny thing about it is that as of late I’ve gotten closer and closer to giving in to that little voice.
You might say that it’s all the stress from school but it’s not. I’m constantly depressed and I’ve thought of suicide more and more lately.
I beg for help but in all honesty deep down I don’t want it, I don’t want to accept that there are people that actually care, because frankly I’ve been fucked by too many people to count that I’ve completely lost faith in not only man but God as well.
I need to be saved but I don’t want it.

Sit down, Get Comfy, Relax, and Rewind

2 weeks ago  /  0 notes

Journal Entry: 3 (9 May, 2012. 17:44)

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’m going to graduate in 22 days, and I can safely say that I am truly happy for that. My father wants to come, he keeps calling me and asking about it. I still refuse to return his calls. He has yet to admit that what he said was wrong or even apologize for it. It hurts me really bad, my sister contacted me asking where I was.
No one has had a bigger impact on my life than my father. I never want to be like him, ever. So I strive not to. I guess that’s a good thing but I don’t see it as one.

2 weeks ago  /  0 notes

Ravings of a Drug Addict and Dealer: Part 7

I… I fucked up. I fucked up big this time.

3 months ago  /  0 notes

Journal Entry: 3 (14 February, 2012. 11:22)

I hate valentines day. Not because I’m single or anything like that. I guess it stems all the way back to elementary school.
Remember when you were little and on valentines you hand out these little cards with things like suckers and stickers? Well while I was in elementary school I would hand out one to like every person I knew even if I wasn’t friends with them. In turn I got like five back and they were only given to me out of pity. I guess it had something to do with how many people liked you then. In middle school it got worse.
In middle school you’d have a boyfriend or girlfriend that liked you enough to go out and get you something nice, you’d carry it around school the rest of the day showing off that you had some one who liked you and to rub it in the faces of the people who didn’t have anything.
It kinda stayed the same with high school but now all you’d hear about is my boyfriend this, my girlfriend that, and you would see them kissing in the halls and they’d blow up your Facebook news feed with all sorts of lovey-dovey shit.
I guess some of it comes as jealousy of all the people that have someone special to give them shit or even someone who cares about them enough. I hate valentines day.

3 months ago  /  0 notes

Ravings of a Drug Addict and Dealer: Part 6

I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been super occupied. I recently checked myself into rehab with Declan. They allow us to continue going to school so as to not lose credit but we both have to return to the center every day after school.

I’ve been flipping out a lot lately due to the fact that my body is having to relearn how to function without my drug of choice, and I’ve only been two days clean. Just goes to show you how fucked up I’ve been. I’m happy for us I guess. I can tell you right now that coming down is going to be shit.

Sit down, Get Comfy, Relax, and Rewind

3 months ago  /  0 notes

Journal Entry: 2 (18 January, 2012. 17:34)

I’ve been attending Paschal High School for the past four years now and I’m tired of all the behind the back comments about me. I have my music up so loud during passing period so I can get through the onslaught of snide remarks concerning my sexuality and beliefs on God.

Several times now I’ve fantasized about how it would feel to bring a gun to school and shoot the people that harass me everyday. Sometimes I think the only reason I don’t bring a gun to school is the fact that I couldn’t stand to see the aftermath. Knowing that their parents and family, who had nothing to do with the way their children treated me, would be torn.
If I were to end up doing it though I would take my life afterwards.

The fact that I get shit from my family as well adds to my fantasy. It’s enough that I have to deal with it at school, I don’t need it at home. My dad is the biggest problem. We no longer speak with each other because he can’t see past the fact that I’m gay and I don’t believe in god. He blames it on my mother, he says that she smothers me, if I were living with him I’d be outside playing sports and shit. Basically he would try to mold me into “his perfect son. ” A son that would never talk back. A son that wouldn’t question his authority. A son that would like girls and not guys. A son that would make him proud.

Just a side note though:
As far as playing sports go, I play one of the most violent sports out there. I’m not a little sissy boy either. I play two if the toughest positions in the game. I fucking play Rugby.

4 months ago  /  0 notes